MKMMA–Week 11–Help me see where I’ve changed

Cessena 182 model

Am I changing? Will my dreams come true?

ocean

My life feels turbulent.

Perhaps I am too close to evaluate any difference in me but maybe you can.  I remember when my children were smaller there were occasions where we might be apart for a period of a few weeks and I certainly could see the changes in growth and habits which happened in such a short time.  People, close by, could not see the differences as well because the change was constantly taking place under their care.

I feel discouraged.  I expected things to happen quicker…..To change sooner, so I could take better care of my family and myself.

The POA portion has got to me.  I have a mental conflict between knowing what “I am supposed to do” versus the memories of the past tries, where my attempts were failures.

The sit this week I have been concentrating on the Bible passage about what Jesus said concerning believing that I have already received  and that I will.

When will I see things happen?  When should I expect a change or answer to prayer?  I have no problem believing God can do anything because He can.  He made everything.

I told you about becoming a Foster Parent last week.  I am not sure it was a good thing to do.  At a time in life, where I had looked forward to getting to know my wife better now that our own children are grown, I am back to being servant to more people in the household.  Perhaps it is selfish but I wanted my best friend to be my number one player on my team.  It appears that team is only important as long as she is the captain and calling the shots.

I look at my movie poster.  I read my DMP,  I read and look at the shapes and colors.   I repeat do it now 50 times a day. I read the GS.  I read the blueprint builder.

Tonight I cried during my “sit”.  I want to change.  I want to be different.  I want to make a difference……..I know I am saying “WANT”….I could use NEED or DESIRE.  Does this mean because I am using these words that, that is what my subby is giving up to me?   A void?  Because that is what it is?

How do I grasp this aspect of declaring something is mine?  My mind just tells me that it isn’t.  How to I escape from this old blueprint that makes me check everything against the reality as I see it?

I hurt.  I am sad.  People are important to me and I like to say positive things to them to brighten their days.  I feel like I can help others to feel good about themselves but I am having a hard time with the me I have inside.

I am digging in and moving forward despite how I feel.  I just wish that I could give one of those glowing testimonies on how all these wonderful things are happening to me.  Perhaps in time.

Faith is the substance of things hoped for (I believe I already have) and the evidence of the things not seen (a promise kept).   Do you know how badly I want this as my reality?

Let’s see how next week goes.

Daniel Fenton